A Purpose, for the First Time in My Life

My online friend Amber helped out somehow, (remember the one who was Girl of the Week at Lady Ann’s about a billion times? Thank You Sweetheart!!! bunches and bunches ♥ ♥ ♥ so much for talking to D) . After (I guess) a lot of soul-searching and talking to everyone he knew, D called me. I am here in my dad’s house and my cell phone was dead out of power, but after I re-charged it I saw his call, and called him right back.

I was right. He does want me to come help. (oh thank you God!) He’s really opened up to me. He admitted that his sister is against it, “Maggie”’s mom is against it, even Bobbi is not too sure (Bobbi?! who is Bobbi?! The one who fired Maggie from Lady Ann’s and believed T instead of me and you and Maggie and just stabbed her in the back - why is what BOBBI thinks any concern of D’s?) but he’s going to give it a chance. PLEASE GOD don’t let me screw this up.

Acting can wait. School can wait. I need a break anyway. I used to be a day care worker (ecch! not very rewarding) so I know a little what I’m getting into, but on the other hand, no I don’t. These kids are geniuses and I better watch out!

But don’t know everything that Amber told D. Did she tell D how I feel about him? I hope not, but so, I guess it’s ok; I just need to know, just so I know. He made a hint about that, something like: “this is a relationship just for the children, do you understand that?” and “We will hardly see each other; you will come here and I hand the boys to you, I will come home and you will hand the boys to me” and made sure that I understand that. So, I think he has some idea that I’m doing it out of love and not just for “Maggie” and the boys.

He also was worried that he couldn’t pay me and I wanted to scream out “You big stupid gorgeous French idiot!!! of COURSE you can’t pay me!” but I bit my tongue and said that the children were their own reward or something noble like that.

OK, I’m about to jump head first into the fire, and I’m leaving tomorrow. (Whew! I’m not looking forward to that drive yet again.) I am (maybe) going to get online tonight but don’t be worried if I don’t.

The plan:

I cleared out my apartment, (thank you Daddy!) I am selling my laptop to my brother (hey, I need the money) and I have moved everything I can to my dad’s house. If is won’t fit into my Saturn I’m not going to keep it with me.

I’m quitting my jobs. I’ve already called them. It’s cool. They’d give me a recommendation, I bet. MOD guy

My roommate actually wants me out of there so her boyfriend can move in. (I have a different roommate than I did months ago; I’m moved out of Stacey-Jesus’s place and was staying with a very nice and cool chica named Ashley. (No, really, she’s nice, even if her name is Ashley. It was her parents’ fault.)

I’m scared. This is like the plot of a novel I wouldn’t even suspend my disbelief for.

• What if I’m no good?
• What if the kids hate me?
• What if D wants me out?
• What if he finds someone? I mean, that would be fine. But I’d be out of there.
• What if … what if I get into Northwestern and I have to leave them?
• What if my attraction to D gets unbearable? And I make an idiot of myself? And he ends up hating me?
• What if whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif …

I have never felt this way. Insecure. Unsure of what will happen, and knowing that I have to – no, I have to – do this.

Memorial Day

I’m trying to get my thoughts down.

“Maggie” was sick from Thursday before last week, till she died last Wednesday. Her doctor had her do a CT scan and they found what Maggie called a tiny dark spot so they ordered an MRI, and she had to go into the hospital to have that done. When she went in she had no idea. But she kissed me, like, right on the mouth before she left.

“Maggie” looked terrible, her eyes were all puffy.

She handed me the baby and said, “Please, take care of them.”

I didn’t even notice it so much at the time. She knew; I’m sure of that.

Her funeral was Saturday. I won’t even say how many people remembered her fondly. Plenty of the musicians, some of whom have records that I’ve heard on the radio.

Even Lady Ann sent roses. White roses. They were beautiful.

There is a web page out there that the Lady Ann people put up; it’s really just a guest book. It has dozens of people expressing condolences.

I can’t stop crying. Neither can Littlest Boy. He’s just a baby, and he wants to nurse. What will they do? Whatever will they do? How can you grow up without your mama?

The Yearning Heart Screws Courage to the Sticking Place

dateline, Sedgwick County, KS

I’ve cleared my head, I’ve thought about it, and I have decided to ask if I can stay at D’s and look after M’s children.

I just don’t know what he’ll say.

Just so you, dear blog, don’t think I’m nuts: I spoke to D and asked him what he might need right now.

He needs child care.

It’s the least I can do. Hell, it’s the only thing I can do. He says I can stay here, in the spare room I’ve been staying in.

My mom thinks I’m crazy. Mademoiselle D, D’s sister, thinks I’m way out of line. Bobbi (you remember, this one) is D’s friend, and she thinks I’m out of line too, that they need time to grieve and be alone as a family.

With all due respect to my mom, to my former roommate, to M’s friend and my former “HR director”: Poo on that. They also need someone to drop off and pick the kids up at school, and someone to watch the baby and someone to get breakfast and someone to help settle arguments and to help teach them what girls are about and all those things and I don’t even know what. But I need to feel like I’m helping. Walking out now and just going up to KC and waiting tables seems so wrong. I can stay down here and make beds, change diapers, hold hands, wipe tears.

I’m not saying I’d be anywhere near as good as M at any of those things. I amnot a substitute mom.

And … I am NOT doing this so I can work my way into D’s heart. I swear to that on M’s ashes, on Cate Blanchett’s diction and on Ireland herself. He’s already worked his way into mine and I can’t deny it. But I want to be there for the kids. He needs time to his grief. I won’t get between him and M right now.

Flopping Around Like a Hooked Fish

I really wanted to stay, and give up my old life, and just stay there and help, but I didn’t know what D would say if I ask.

How long should I wait? a week? a month?

I only need to turn in my apartment keys and help my roommate in Kansas City.

Here I am, I’m totally single and just graduated, no ties, no commitments. A pending application at Northwestern.

I don’t just want to jump in D’s bed, I want to take care of the children while he works. I don’t want to hurt him because of my selfishness.

Gone

she’s gone she’s gone oh my god she’s gone she went in (on wednesday? what day is this?) to get an MRI and she had an aneurysm and collapsed. they took her in to surgery and she ... she didn’t make it. Oh my god oh I can’t bear it I love you “Maggie” I love you oh my god.... the children, poor D, her mom her dad, her music, her beautiful heart, her eyes, I can’t stop crying....

the Spencer Report

He’s cute enough. His name is Spencer. maybe I’ll play him along till he’s insane for me. Very nice smile though he’s a bit young (or maybe I’ve been around D too much; maybe I should go for an older guy). Oh, who am I kidding. I’m sure I’ll do him soon enough. It’s been like, 4 months which is a lifetime for me to go without sex.

Maggie is still - still! - sick with a headache. She can barely move, and I’m worried about it. She couldn’t eat. That ain’t right, for her. I cooked dinner. MMmmm. Spaghetti. She has made an appointment with a doctor.

Homecoming for the Band

The gang is back. Big dinner. M has a migraine, which she occasionally gets. She thinks she’s coming down with something. It started hurting on the way back, through Oklahoma. Oklahoma would give anyone a headache. It seems that gasoline fumes mixed in with tobacco smoke is the Official State Odor there.

On the plus side, the shows they did went well. They got some good reviews in the teeny tiny college papers that they have up there in Fayetteville and Ardmore (is that right? yes). I’m envious, as my performances in my school plays got me no mention at all.

M is gonna fix me up with a cutie boy that she knows. She says he’s cute. We’ll see.

Deep in the Heart of Texas

That’s where I am.

D & M and the boys are totally gone and hit the road, Jack, travelling to Dallas and Okla City and Arkansas – Fayetteville, can you believe it’s a music town?; I’m out & about in the nightlife of Austin and not bored a bit. I’m drinking and flirting and not even missing SH the SHit one bit. If only I had me a nice delicious bit of boy* to share it with.

This computer is a Linux and I’m scared to death of it.

I’m wayyyyy out here in the middle of nobody I know for miles around. I’m trying not to be nervous about it. I know Skip the Gay Rancher who lives on the next hill; gay or not he’s as big as a tank and could be here in no time if I hit the panic alarm button that turns on EVERY LIGHT in the house and sounds this air raid siren; I do not shit you that thing is LOUD. We tested it. The kids stayed upstairs with their hands over their ears. D is big on security. If I had 3 kids and a woman that looked like the Princess Mogul I’d be big on security too.

Speaking of the Princess Mogul, Maggie made me sit through this excruciating pirate movie from like the 50s, one of her favorites starring Errol Flynn. He was way past his prime, I’m thinking. But she said that the redhead reminded her of me. Which was sweet.

Damn that girl makes me hot the way she sits and smolders.

* I’d much prefer a man. Or maybe… dare I dream? Be still, my yearning heart.

Here I go, Boogieing to Texas

As I might have mentioned, me and my 1995 Saturn are goin’ down to visit M & D and their 3 amazing boys. For all I know, the oldest has finally perfected heavier than air flight, like he was working on when they were up here in KC last.

I have no idea how long I’ll be there. I asked Maggie and she said, “Oh, stay as long as you like, we may need a baby sitter when you’re here. And if you stay after we take of you can be a house sitter, anyway.” So it may be that’s what I’ll do. Cool beans.

House sitting’s easy for them, since all I’ll have to do is feed the cat and the chickens. And even baby sitting is pretty easy with that crew. They’re 3 boys and they like to hang all over me, so it’s not like they sneak off to act up, much. Though I may have to occasional get Middle Boy down from up on the kitchen counters, as he looks for sharp weapons.

O, yeah. I graduated. Ho-hum, right? but I feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’m looking forward, as usual. I’m looking towards grad school, etc. I feel like, wow, all that behind me. And I still express myself in phrases such as, “I feel like, wow….”

PLUG PLUG PLUG

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I am in no way affiliated with Burt’s. I don’t get a kick back or nothin’. This stuff is better than l’Oreal by a million miles.

The Scarlet Letter

I feel like a fraud.

Do you ever think that someday someone is going to figure out that you have no talent, that you can’t do what you’ve wanted to do, what you’ve studied and trained and burned for? And someone will somehow put a big scarlet F for False, for Fraud, for Fucked, for Failure – right on your chest?

I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t act, I can’t even behave and I’m about to go into that big scary world of graduate school and get screwed over again. And my dad will, too; I’ll screw him over for him. HE is the one that really worked his whole life for me to get into school.

I should have gone into vet science, except when I screw that up, a calf dies.

Final Finals

This is it, Tell-tale Heart.

Graduation time. Finals, performance evals, director project, portfolio. Wrap it up, girl. No partying for you.

Also, work. That five-top on 17 needs a water/tea/cola refill. The family on 15 needs a check dropped. You’ve been triple sat.

I want to run away.