Saturday, July 15, 2006

Thanks for the Mammaries

Slow easy lazy day. The AC was fixed 1st thing on Monday and my heat rash has almost totally disappeared. The Two Bigglest Boys are out with their daddy running errands and I am home with Littlest Boy who finally went down for his nap, after rage, rage, raging against the ebbing of his own consciousness. I have never known a kid to fight a nap like he does.
When he was a baby (OK, last year) right after his Mama passed away, I had the worst time with him at night. I would spend entire evenings in the rocking chair, holding him, singing to him, crying with him. But he was used to nursing down, and of course his nursing was taken away very abruptly. I didn’t mention this back then but, back when I slept in his room, and he slept with his daddy, he would sometimes wake up and get out of bed to wander the house at night, looking for his Mama. I’d find him and put him back in the Big Bed with his daddy. Once or twice I got in with him, too. It was comforting to me, but after he would fall asleep he would root around in my chest looking for the milk. He’d be sound asleep, but I’d wake up with him tugging my shirt up looking to nurse.
Of course when he found my itty bitties he’d realize someone switched something out, and since he didn’t get any he’d wake up and bawl.
Once, when he did that, I was exhausted, resentful yet sympathetic towards him, and thought to myself, well, I could just let him suck, right? As long as Monsieur didn’t find out? Just this once? Lifting my shirt up, pointing a nipple to him, thinking, maybe he’ll just start sucking and fall asleep. I mean, who would it hurt?
I found out in jiffy time. Who it would hurt was me. Oh. My. God. It was like a vise clamp, with tiny baby teeth. Oh. My. God. I thought, only for a minute, only for a minute, it will hurt only for a minute then he’ll fall asleep and Oh. My. God. How do moms do this? How did Maggie do this? He’s tearing the skin, I just know he is, he’s locked on like a little bear trap, shit-fuck-hes- ripping-my-nipple-off stopstopowowowowowstop STOP!!!! My mind screamed and I made a noise, and ripped the little tit limpet right off of me. I looked down, expecting to see a raw open wound. It was beet red but not bleeding, much to my surprise.
He wailed, and Monsieur woke up, surprised to find me in his bed. Back then Monsieur and I didn’t sleep together and he was keeping me at two arms’ length. I don’t remember what I told him when he saw me there, but I probably made some excuse about neither of us being able to sleep. He picked up Littlest Boy in his arms and, thanking me, gently told me to go back up and get in my own bed.
It was a few months before Littlest Boy would sleep through the night without waking up wanting Mama. As for myself, I still wake up wanting his Mama sometimes.


SeaRabbit said...

How difficult that should be for a little one... ;-( I breastfed my two kids and I know how hard it is to have them stop... I wonder if the pain you went through was caused because you didn't start while he was a newborned, when they are not very strong and the suction isn't very hard... it is probably a matter of training along the time if we can tolerate the oldest and strongest kids... ;-)

introspectre said...

Wow. That was very courageous and caring of you. I know it probably would seem weird to some nitwits out there, but the mothering instinct is very strong and trying to soothe a greiving child, well, I think a lot of women would consider it but not be crave enough to do it.

As far as the pain, (laughs) SURPRISE! I called my son a little Hoover. I actually bled for awhile when we first started nursing. It was gruesome, like, I'm feeding my child milk and blood? GROSS! But my nipples adjusted to it, and all mothers do eventually.

What you did was sweet. As a grown woman who could have used a lot more nurturing growing up, I only love you more. If that were possible...

introspectre said...

Oh. That was supposed to be "Brave enough" not "crave enough". Still to early to type...