Occupational Hazard

Occupational Hazard

a play in one act
by
The Yearning Heart

dramatis personae:

Pati Ent, female, mid twenties, college grad. Intelligent, cute, good-natured.

Doctor Hand, male, late thirties, gynecologist. Charming, professional, gentle. Really good looking, but all business. Think of a straight Graham Chapman who looks like John Corbett.

Nurse Oyl, female, fifties or older. Has seen it all. (Or so she thought.)

Setting: The OB-GYN examining room. As the curtain rises, Pati Ent is having her vitals and stats done by the Nurse; throughout the following, she’ll be weighed and have her temp & BP taken.

Nurse: Looks good. Pressure’s good. You’ve put on three pounds, nothing to worry about. Looks like it’s all muscle anyway. You could kinda stand to put on a few more before you’d have to worry about anything.

Pati: What I’m worried about is my … my PC muscle.

Nurse: [distractedly, filling out the chart] You’ve been doing your Kegels?

Pati: Yes! yes, that’s just it. I first started to exercise them three times a day, and then I moved up to once an hour. Now it seems like … like they’re taking over. They’ll clamp down clench and grip and … and I won’t be able to unclench.

Nurse: [frowning] … hmm, well, it might be nothing, but when Dr. Hand comes in we’ll be sure and tell him about it. OK? [exit]

[Pati slips into the gown and sits on the examining table. Dr. Hand and Nurse enter.]

Doctor: Ms Ent? Hi… I’m Dr. Myron Hand. [reads chart] Ms Oyl says you’ve got a little muscle spasm going on?

Pati: Not really a spasm, more like a Vise-Grip, living in my cooter.

Doctor: Clamps down, eh? Any pain?

Pati: No, actually, it feels kinda good! but I am afraid when it won’t let go.

like a good cowgirl

Doctor: Lay down on the table there. Feet up in the stirrups, like a good cowgirl. Comfy?

[The examining table must be placed, for the sake of the actress’ modesty, so that we see from Pati’s point of view. We can only see the top of Pati’s head, and her knees open with her feet in the stirrups.]

Now, Pati, have you tried the Brazil nut test?

Pati: No, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it.

Doctor: Yes, trying to hold an object about the size of the common Brazil nut in your vagina, and squeeze it out. [puts on examining gloves] Think you can do that?

Pati: Oh, sure. Never tried it with a Brazil nut before.

Doctor: Well, it’s not necessary to use a Brazil nut [takes cellophane wrapped object from the nurse] but since I have plenty of these sterile surgical Brazil nuts [ripping the package open] we’ll just see how that involuntary spasm presents itself.

Pati: Sure.

[Doctor reaches under Pati’s robe and inserts the nut.]

Doctor: Now, just bear down on that, doing a Kegel, and try to use your muscles to push it out.

[sound: piece of plywood being ripped apart]

Doctor: Great Scott! Incoming! [He grabs the Nurse by the shoulder and forces her to the ground. Brazil nut shell fragments fly out from under Patient’s robe and fly over them, hitting the wall behind them and shattering the wall clock.]

Pati: I’m sorry, Doctor. I can’t control it anymore.

Doctor: [amazed and shaken] That’s … that’s all right, I’ve just never seen such … such tone.

[Pati is embarrassed.]

Doctor: [cont.] You’ve got to learn some control, there, Pati! [takes another surgical Brazil nut and unwraps it.] Now, let’s try it again and this time not quite so hard.

[Reaching under Pati’s gown, he places it and then stands back]

Nurse: [gets out two pairs of safety glasses and hands one to the Doctor] Better wear eye protection, first, Doctor. [These should be heavy-duty, military grade tinted green safety goggles.]

Doctor: Right you are, nurse. [They both don goggles.] Now, Pati, gently is the word here. Just try to slowly bear down, and …

[A cracking noise is heard, then crunching, then with, a loud bang, shell fragments come flying out. The two medical professionals hit the deck again. We hear the sound of nuts being chewed and swallowed. ]

a large shell fragment embedded in the lens of his safety goggles

Doctor: [Now he has a large shell fragment embedded in the lens of his safety goggles. He examines the damage to his room.] Only shells. Do you see that? No nutmeat. That thing has got to be stopped.

Nurse: What are you going to do?

Doctor: [dramatically] I’m … going in. [He opens Pati’s robe and, reaching forward, carefully probes with a gloved finger.]

Nurse: Be careful, doctor.

Doctor: It seems to have relaxed. … hmm… odd, it’s almost as if it ate the Brazil nut. It isn’t possible; there must be more Brazil nut in here -

[Suddenly, his finger is gripped and pulled in. The doctor grimaces in pain.]

Nurse: Pati! Let go! Stop it! You’ll break his finger!

Pati: I’m not doing it!

[a look of terror on the Nurse’s face, as she tries to extricate the doctor’s finger]

Doctor: [screams]

[The Doctor is being pulled in by his hand. His arm disappears within, then quickly he is sucked in with a wet slurp. The highly enhanced sound of a dental vacuum sucking up petroleum jelly would be good here, with appropriate bone-crunching effect.]

Pati: [horrified] Oh my God!

Nurse: [looks in] He’s gone.

Pati: [crying] I’m … I’m so sorry.

Nurse: There is nothing you could have done. [looks back in] [to herself] That thing is not of this world.

Pati: But … but what about Dr. Hand?

Nurse: [Still staring between Pati’s legs] Dr. Hand knew the risks when he majored in gynecology. [Pause] He was, after all, a professional.

FIN