Incendiary Attacks

If it is not advantageous, do not move. If objectives cannot be attained, do not employ the army. Unless endangered do not engage in warfare. The ruler cannot mobilize the army out of personal anger. The general cannot engage in battle because of personal frustration. When it is advantageous, move; when not advantageous, stop. Anger can revert to happiness, annoyance can revert to joy, but a vanquished state cannot be revived, the dead cannot be brought back to life.
–“Incendiary Attacks,” Sun-tzu’s the Art of War.

Gosh, what a week.

No yum-yum. I figured that I was throwing myself at him to much, so I tried a completely different tack this time; I spent a week acting as if I didn’t really want sex at all. Nope, not me. Sex? I think not. Ew. Who likes sex? Not the Yearning Heart. Icky. I’m just not like that. I mean, sure, it’s OK for Some People, but I can do without it. See me over here? I’m acting demure and somewhat bored as Monsieur comes out of the shower. I barely even look at the steam rising off of his deliciously wet, lean, well-developed torso; his strong, well-defined legs standing slightly akimbo from beneath a towel that is wrapped around his waist; that towel covering a thick, yummy cock – a towel set off by a proud bulge that suggestes a high-caliber specimen of tempting man-flesh….

Sorry. I was just … just daydreaming. I’m fine. I’m not really interested. I can do without it.

(Psst. It’s called “acting”. And even though I’d have an easier time playing Tommy Chong in the Broadway version of That 70’s Show – the Musical, I figured I could pull off playing a sexless girl for a week. Well, we’ll see how far I got by last [Tuesday] night.)

Bigglest Boy is continuing to act out, in really odd ways. His daddy is worried about him; I’m trying not to lose patience with him.

When he gets in trouble and I put him in a corner he says things like, “Just cut off my foot and I’ll never do it again,” or “Why don’t you call the police and send me to jail?”

He’s eight freaking years old!

I was afraid at first that Monsieur thought it was all just me and not being strict enough with the kids, but after talking to Monsieur last night, I got a nice reassurance that he thinks I’m doing all right.

Yearning Heart: I just get the feeling that you think this is happening because I’m not holding up my end, taking care of him, and he is rebelling against me because he thinks I’m weak.

Monsieur: No. First, of all the things you are, weak is not one of them. I have spent time with him, I have observed him carefully with you and without you, when he is in groups of children and when he is with adults. He is showing symptoms of depression, symptoms of bipolar tendencies, sensory and social disorders. These are things from which Maggie suffered, from which his grandmother on one side suffers, his grandfather on the other side also. The family tendency to this sort of thing is there. He might misbehave with you, but you are a solid foundation and a good role model for him. He needs to know that we are here to take care of him, and that I will always love him, and what is expected of him from me and from society.

Yearning Heart: I love him. I really do. It makes no sense because I’m not his mother; I can’t just tell him “I’m your mother and I’ll always love you.”

Monsieur: You tell him that you love him, yes?

Yearning Heart: Yes.

Monsieur: In time he will know how permanent that might be. Until then, demonstrate love, as you do.

Yearning Heart: You think he wonders why I stay here?

Monsieur: [sighs] He has asked me why you stay here, and I confess I can’t come up with an answer other than you love us.

Yearning Heart: You know that I love you, right?

[a beat]

All of you.

Monsieur: It… amazes me. In trying to explain it, to a boy of eight years of age….

Yearning Heart: Do you really know, deep down there [pointing to his chest], that I’m here to stay as long as you’ll have me? Do you know how permanent that is, how forever it will be?

Monsieur: I am beginning to understand it.

[a long pause]

Yearning Heart: What about you? How are you holding up?

Monsieur: I? [considers it] I am holding up.

Yearning Heart: Are you sure?

Monsieur: I think so.

Yearning Heart: Well, if you should need anything … I mean I know you don’t talk about things, but you know I’d listen, or hold it together if you want to go away for a few days. Or go have your own Sunday off.

[Note: I’ve been taking Sunday afternoons off to go hang out in town with my friend Special K.]

Monsieur: Well, thank you; I –

Yearning Heart: Or a back rub? My hands aren’t as strong as yours, but I’m sure I could.

Monsieur: I’m sure you would –

Yearning Heart: I could model amusing underwear for you, you know, for entertainment purposes only.

Monsieur: [laughs] Well, that’s quite generous –

Yearning Heart: I’m always good for a quick blowjob in the shower.

Monsieur: [blushing most attractively] Yes, I think I see where this is leading.

Yearning Heart: Or whatever. I’m here.

Monsieur: [getting up from the couch, moving away] I understand.

Yearning Heart: I’m only saying.

Monsieur: [over his shoulder] Indeed. Well, I am going to check on the boys and head to bed… [exits]

Yearning Heart: [whispers, to herself] Damn.