Saturday, August 19, 2006

Oratio Mentha piperita

I know we haven’t talked in a while, and I’m sorry. I have a hard time talking to you sometimes. I know all that stuff had to happen and you did your best. And, if it had to happen, I suppose there’s no good time, so it just happened. Somewhere there’s some good in it. I’m here, aren’t I?
[smiles hopefully]
Well. Anyway.
I can’t get hold of you any other way. It doesn’t seem like you’re picking up. I know you have a lot going on with your projects and everything’s always a crisis. I can just hear you saying, “Look, sister, they’re ALL emergencies, they’re all action items.” But, I know you read this blog and I know you’re been reading it since a long time ago – since I was in college. I know you avoid the hit counters because you’re clever that way, but it seems like whenever I hint for what I want here, or even outright ask for something, you seem to read it and make it happen one way or another.
I remember I asked you to give me the answer to the bonus question in that stupid algebra class in 2nd semester. Do you remember that? Heh. Boy, I do. I’ll never forget it:
A flower pot slips off a window ledge that is 4 meters above a bug sitting below. How much time does the bug have left before it is squashed? G = 9.8 m/s2
I was sitting there, knowing I’d blown that stupid quadratic, and I just was staring at that problem, and you said, “0.90 seconds,” just as plain as anything. I thought the whole class heard you. I worked the problem out backwards from that, and you were right. Well, of course you were right. But I had to show my work.
I, um, need you to do something for me. Ya, I know, I only call you when I want something. But really, it’s not for me, but for the Bigglest Boy. Can you just talk to him? The way you do. I think he might be open to it now. He’s really, really in a lot of pain and I just don’t think I’m going to have the strength to watch him go through what he’s going through. Please. For me.
That’s all I really want.
Oh, and can you help toilet train Littlest Boy?
Ya, that’s all.
Oh wait – what’s with this weather you’ve been sending us? Did you forget how to make it less than 100 degrees outside? Christ on a cr – oh. Sorry. I know you don’t like that. But it’s hot! Can you send us a little thunderstorm? I don’t mean a deluge, no forty-days-and-forty-nights stuff. Two hours, a nice downdraft with a cool rain, and you can go back to what you were doing, confusing the astronomers out there in the Oort Cloud, or planting fake fossils, or whatever you do.
Am I getting snarky? I’m sorry. I’m such an irreverent little brat. Come to think of it, never mind the weather; and Monsieur and I can probably toilet train Littlest Boy. I was just complaining, and I have no right to. But really, about Bigglest Boy, I meant that. When you have time, I mean. I know you have kids, too.
Best friends,


daisy said...

Chills. What a wonderful post. Just chills. Sending one out there for you.

Paul said...

Thanks so much for that. That was a gift.

introspectre said...

Yes, for Bigglest Boy, please?

super des said...

I'll do what I can.

Oh wait, you weren't talking to me.

Romancing Simplicity said...

What a beautiful post...I just don't even know what to say...

the bare frame said...

snarky and irreverent are most becoming on you.

God said...


Sorry you haven't been by to talk until lately. Trust me, you are forgiven.

Regarding the heat in Texas, you've got to remember that I gave Lucifer a choice, and he said "Live in Texas, Rent Hell." He certainly has his problems, but I'm afraid he's right on that. Plus, I made the place. There are some of my creatures that actually like the heat, and just because you humans came along doesn't mean I'm going to up and change EVERYTHING. You're doing enough damage to the climate down there as it is. If you really don't want it to be so hot, think about that the next time you pile into the mini-van to rent another silly movie. Don't get me wrong-- humans are my preferred species, creating you in my own image and all, but just because you get preferential treatment some of the time doesn't mean you get it all of the time.

As you know, I certainly am attempting to watch over your children. They have their own minds-- that free will thing-- but I do the best that they'll let me do. A little help will be coming-- you can trust me-- at least more than the bank.

You've got to do one thing for me though-- and it's not just you, but all you humans down there. And that's the basic fact of prioritization. One minute, one of you is asking for world peace, the next minute, someone's hoping that one of my pigeons won't poop on their new wax job. They're not the same level of request, and you've simply got to work on it. I didn't hear any thanks for the fact that your favorite potted plant didn't die here lately. Maybe if you humans would concentrate a little more on gratitude, things would also fall into place. It's a thought.

As always, you have my unending love, as well as your adopted children. God always remember those that are kind to children. They haven't had a chance to screw the world up yet. Raise them so that they don't make things worse, and hopefully make things better. Believe me (I am God, after all) I've got plenty of problems with people that never got that taught to them when they were kids. And it's bigger than trash on the highway, dear, or the fact that the garbage man didn't come on time.

As always, I send my infinite love.


P.S. I didn't bury those fossils. They evolved. I just can't get how some of those idiots in Texas can't figure out that God might be a process-guy, instead of fixated on the final product. And trust
me, there's a Hot Little Corner waiting for those control freaks. And I ain't talking about Texas.

the Yearning Heart said...

God uses Safari 419.3?

God said...


Of course. Considering how Bill Gates started Microsoft, do you really think I'd be a PC kind of dude? Though I am considering switching. We'll see if he follows through with his Global Health initiative. It's that free will thing, which, as you know, even I have no control over.

All my infinite Love,


the Yearning Heart said...

I figured the Lord would be all about open source.

God said...


Remember, dear, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Plus, what's up with the penguin? Making one of my most incredible creatures that I ever dreamed look like a kid's balloon animal? Believe me (I am God, after all) when I tell you that I don't sweat the petty stuff. But there are things you humans do that get a little old. Here's a small fact-- whenever I get a little down on humanity, I watch penguins swim underwater. That's one of my most amazing miracles. Then it's back to trying to protect children in Lebanon and Israel.

Needless to say, I'm not really very happy right now with that bunch. Being God, it doesn't matter to me if you call me Allah or Jehovah. I'm God, after all. Sticks and stones aren't going to break my bones-- let alone words.

And Condoleeza Rice? There's a hot little corner waiting for her. Anyone that calls death by cluster bomb of my precious children "labor pains of democracy"-- oh Me. I'm definitely all about peace. I sent my Son down there to deliver the Good News. There are days when I wonder what I was thinking. He was definitely one Heck of a trooper.

And at least Safari has a compass. I've always been all about compasses-- moral, that is.

All my infinite Love,


introspectre said...

Isn't that strange? I thought God would be a big fan of open source as well. You know, His creations creating for the common good, not reaping glory or gluttony, but heck, I didn't know about the penguin thing either.

If it comes down to it, I blame our use of LINUX on my husband, solely, but I'm set on going where he goes, and if it means sending Your regards to Condy, so be it.

Dwight The Troubled Teen said...

All that divine intervention and God neglects to mention that V = 9.8 m/s 2, not G. That's the formula for accelleration velocity in Earth's gravity, not gravity itself.

Gosh, I wonder why I don't get invited to more parites.

God said...

Hi I and THY,

I don't sweat the little stuff. And I've got bigger fish to fry, and multiply as well.

If I can leave you all with anything, before the usual questions people ask me start popping up (like should abortion be legal) let me just set some standard guidelines by which ye shall be judged.

There are three things that I value-- Love, compassion, and responsibility. How you mix them up is up to you, of course. Why this seems so hard to you, my most beloved creation, I have no idea-- but it seems to be a sticking point. Before you know it, some of you are going off about not eating pork or shrimp, or whether I endorsed George Bush's candidacy. I'm God. I don't work on that level. I didn't endorse George Bush. I also didn't solve TYH's math problem, even though she claims that I did. (For the record, dear, your amygdala shut down for an instant, and your prefrontal cortex did the rest.) I did, however, keep her grocery bags from breaking a couple of weeks ago when the kids were really howling and she was pulling stuff into the domicile. That's the thing about Me-- I never seem to get the credit for the things I really do. I think it's a part of a lack of imagination on you human's level. Give me a break, after all. I am a Supreme Being.

Here's something I would like you all to remember. I love all of you, each and every one of you, because you, and especially your children, are special to me. At the same time, nothing would please me more if you'd all just wake up a little bit and start thinking about your fellow people, as well as your fellow plants, animals, rivers, and rocks. Nothing gets my goat like another war, or another extinction. I didn't create the world to give you a playground to smash bugs.

And when you deal with your children, here's one last point-- always show them compassion first. Because they'll do what they're shown. And don't get me wrong-- I'm no Softie. Sometimes you have to make the little buggers mind. Believe me, as My Children, every now and again, I have to pull some stunt to wake all of you up. Quite frankly, it's a little tiring, even as Infinite Beings go.

But that compassion thing-- that's the biggest thing of all. When you can't find room in your hearts to show compassion for all the people, creatures and living things around you, then I feel the only emotion that I really let myself feel-- I grieve.

One last thing-- would you please stop killing the various Messiahs I send down there? I sent Jesus because he was my Son-- not so you could nail him to a cross. He had a lot of incredible things to say, even after the mess over 2000 years your scholars have made of his Words. And don't even get me started about Martin Luther King.

Here's a simple rule-of-thumb. When some great woman or man starts talking about how you ought to think outside your own circumstance, or how you might fill the world with Love, Compassion and Responsibility, don't kill them. Listen to them instead. Granted, they end up here with me. But Earth can be a fun place to hang around, at least for 80 years or so.

Sorry, but I have to go. Any more questions, you'll have to address me in the usual way. I DO hear all prayers. It's just that sometimes I can't do what you want. It was a tough choice, when I was letting you evolve, whether I'd let you have Free Will or not. I bet my money on it. And being God, I never had any doubts that it was the right thing to do.

All my Infinite Love,