Tuesday, May 31, 2005

A Purpose, for the First Time in My Life

My online friend Amber helped out somehow, (remember the one who was Girl of the Week at Lady Ann’s about a billion times? Thank You Sweetheart!!! bunches and bunches ♥ ♥ ♥ so much for talking to D) . After (I guess) a lot of soul-searching and talking to everyone he knew, D called me. I am here in my dad’s house and my cell phone was dead out of power, but after I re-charged it I saw his call, and called him right back.
I was right. He does want me to come help. (oh thank you God!) He’s really opened up to me. He admitted that his sister is against it, “Maggie”’s mom is against it, even Bobbi is not too sure (Bobbi?! who is Bobbi?! The one who fired Maggie from Lady Ann’s and believed T instead of me and you and Maggie and just stabbed her in the back - why is what BOBBI thinks any concern of D’s?) but he’s going to give it a chance. PLEASE GOD don’t let me screw this up.
Acting can wait. School can wait. I need a break anyway. I used to be a day care worker (ecch! not very rewarding) so I know a little what I’m getting into, but on the other hand, no I don’t. These kids are geniuses and I better watch out!
But don’t know everything that Amber told D. Did she tell D how I feel about him? I hope not, but so, I guess it’s ok; I just need to know, just so I know. He made a hint about that, something like: “this is a relationship just for the children, do you understand that?” and “We will hardly see each other; you will come here and I hand the boys to you, I will come home and you will hand the boys to me” and made sure that I understand that. So, I think he has some idea that I’m doing it out of love and not just for “Maggie” and the boys.
He also was worried that he couldn’t pay me and I wanted to scream out “You big stupid gorgeous French idiot!!! of COURSE you can’t pay me!” but I bit my tongue and said that the children were their own reward or something noble like that.
OK, I’m about to jump head first into the fire, and I’m leaving tomorrow. (Whew! I’m not looking forward to that drive yet again.) I am (maybe) going to get online tonight but don’t be worried if I don’t.
The plan:
I cleared out my apartment, (thank you Daddy!) I am selling my laptop to my brother (hey, I need the money) and I have moved everything I can to my dad’s house. If is won’t fit into my Saturn I’m not going to keep it with me.
I’m quitting my jobs. I’ve already called them. It’s cool. They’d give me a recommendation, I bet. MOD guy
My roommate actually wants me out of there so her boyfriend can move in. (I have a different roommate than I did months ago; I’m moved out of Stacey-Jesus’s place and was staying with a very nice and cool chica named Ashley. (No, really, she’s nice, even if her name is Ashley. It was her parents’ fault.)
I’m scared. This is like the plot of a novel I wouldn’t even suspend my disbelief for.
  • What if I’m no good?
  • What if the kids hate me?
  • What if D wants me out?
  • What if he finds someone? I mean, that would be fine. But I’d be out of there.
  • What if … what if I get into Northwestern and I have to leave them?
  • What if my attraction to D gets unbearable? And I make an idiot of myself? And he ends up hating me?
  • What if whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif whatif …
I have never felt this way. Insecure. Unsure of what will happen, and knowing that I have to – no, I have to – do this.


amber said...

You are so very welcome. i am really glad that through all of this nightmare, i for once did not mess up, and did the right thing. i don't know how much you, or anyone else who reads this, believes in stuff like this, but i am quite convinced that Maggie was somehow working through me in those days after. i have never been so sure of what i was doing at any other time in my life.


introspectre said...

What if?
What if?
What if?

I still see my dream clearly. I am holding on to that as truth.