Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Carnal Knowledge


It’s the most wonderful time
Of the year…
There’ll be steaks marinating
And women fellating
And plenty of beer…
It’s the hap- happiest time
Of the year!
SXSW Film + Music + Media + Throat Lozenge Industrial Festival is in town, and traffic is a bitch. When I was downtown the other night, there was your typical Schizophrenic-Sounding Raving Lunatic on the corner, raving at random passersby….
Schizo Guy: Yo, you from here? Fuck no, you ain’t. Foreigners, ‘n’ shit. Where you from? Colombia?
Girl: Laredo. What the fuck? [walks faster]
Schizo: Rodéo? Where’s that, Vancouver? Bad-dad? Who’s yo’ Vice President? Yo, girl, where you from?
Me: Kansas.
Schizo: No shit? Straight up, my momma from Kansas.
Me: Is that right?
Schizo: I don’t shit a homegirl. All dese is foreigners, where dey comin’ from?
Me: [walking] I’m not sure.
Schizo: Not me neither – I tell you dis, dey Vice President ain’t shit. We gots a Vice President, you fuck up, he shoot you in da face. Know’m sayin’? Right in da motha-fuckin’ face. Like havin’ a Corleone in tha house, yo.
Me: Word.
Schizo: Right. In. Tha. Motha. Fuckin. [makes a pistol with his hand] Face.
Me: Well, we better watch out.
Schizo: True dat. We better not cry, we better not pout, and I’m sayin’ why – fuckin’ Vice President is comin’ to town, and mothafucka shoot you right in tha face.


The KC Strip. If you want some serious carnal knowledge, wait tables in a Kansas City steak house. You’ll know all you need to know about meat.
I was in town at the local meat counter today, and I suddenly had this unnatural craving for a KC Strip steak … and I normally am not much of an eater of anything. I got two of them, since the boys are really not much into steak either. I didn’t know if Monsieur was; I didn’t care. Two steaks, about 8 oz. each, and well marbled. I don’t know that much about cooking steak, but I figured Monsieur would know, since he’s a guy, has lived in Texas for more than ten years. How hard could it be? How much is it to ask to cook a girl a KC Strip?
When I got home I found out it was Steak and Blowjob Day: March 14. The holiest night of the year! and me with this sore throat.
Damn, damn, damn.
Well, I made a little card that said:
“Happy Steak and Blowjob Day! This Coupon Good for ONE Free Blowjob from – ”
signed it, and put it in an envelope. Then, after we put the kids to bed, I mentioned to Monsieur how hungry I was, which he knew was somewhat unusual for me since I don’t get that hungry much. “Can you cook the steaks now?”
“How do you like it?”
“Medium rare – just to the pink.”
Mmm. Ya, I know that Yankees say it’s really a New York Strip steak. Well, whatever. It’s also a porterhouse without the loin and the bone. I can maybe down 2/3 of an 8 oz. steak on a good night. It was a good night. I even had a little wine with it; some of Monsieur’s brother’s home vintage, from Gascony. It was strong. It made me brave enough to give him the envelope with the card in it.
“Qu’est-ce que c’est?”
“Um, for the occasion,” I blushed, smiling. He opened it. Then he blushed.
Guys who blush are hot. I made him promise to redeem it, as the offer expires in 14 days.

6 comments:

deacon_bluez said...

i got a handshake and a quarter pounder with cheese.

the Yearning Heart said...

Not even a chocolate milkshake? No fries? aww, Deacon ...

Passionate Man said...

LOL...that's fantastic!

Tank said...

so if ya get bj's all the time, and don't eat steak, what's the big deal?

the Yearning Heart said...

Tank: Or if you don't like BJ's, and work as a butcher, then this holiday might not be for you either. Obviously.

Ron said...

In honour of such a great holiday, I offer the following Not-For-Hallmark greetings….

It’s March 14th
You know what that means
I’ll gobble your knob
And juggle your beans
Now eat your steak
Like a good little chum
And when you’re all finished
I’ll swallow your cum!

For more information about this wonderful holiday, make sure to visit: www.SteakAndBJ.com.