Carnal Knowledge

It’s the most wonderful time
Of the year…
There’ll be steaks marinating
And women fellating
And plenty of beer…
It’s the hap- happiest time
Of the year!

SXSW Film + Music + Media + Throat Lozenge Industrial Festival is in town, and traffic is a bitch. When I was downtown the other night, there was your typical Schizophrenic-Sounding Raving Lunatic on the corner, raving at random passersby….

Schizo Guy: Yo, you from here? Fuck no, you ain’t. Foreigners, ‘n’ shit. Where you from? Colombia?

Girl: Laredo. What the fuck? [walks faster]

Schizo: Rodéo? Where’s that, Vancouver? Bad-dad? Who’s yo’ Vice President? Yo, girl, where you from?

Me: Kansas.

Schizo: No shit? Straight up, my momma from Kansas.

Me: Is that right?

Schizo: I don’t shit a homegirl. All dese is foreigners, where dey comin’ from?

Me: [walking] I’m not sure.

Schizo: Not me neither – I tell you dis, dey Vice President ain’t shit. We gots a Vice President, you fuck up, he shoot you in da face. Know’m sayin’? Right in da motha-fuckin’ face. Like havin’ a Corleone in tha house, yo.

Me: Word.

Schizo: Right. In. Tha. Motha. Fuckin. [makes a pistol with his hand] Face.

Me: Well, we better watch out.

Schizo: True dat. We better not cry, we better not pout, and I’m sayin’ why – fuckin’ Vice President is comin’ to town, and mothafucka shoot you right in tha face.

---

The KC Strip. If you want some serious carnal knowledge, wait tables in a Kansas City steak house. You’ll know all you need to know about meat.

I was in town at the local meat counter today, and I suddenly had this unnatural craving for a KC Strip steak … and I normally am not much of an eater of anything. I got two of them, since the boys are really not much into steak either. I didn’t know if Monsieur was; I didn’t care. Two steaks, about 8 oz. each, and well marbled. I don’t know that much about cooking steak, but I figured Monsieur would know, since he’s a guy, has lived in Texas for more than ten years. How hard could it be? How much is it to ask to cook a girl a KC Strip?

When I got home I found out it was Steak and Blowjob Day: March 14. The holiest night of the year! and me with this sore throat.

Damn, damn, damn.

Well, I made a little card that said:

“Happy Steak and Blowjob Day! This Coupon Good for ONE Free Blowjob from – ”

signed it, and put it in an envelope. Then, after we put the kids to bed, I mentioned to Monsieur how hungry I was, which he knew was somewhat unusual for me since I don’t get that hungry much. “Can you cook the steaks now?”

“How do you like it?”

“Medium rare – just to the pink.”

Mmm. Ya, I know that Yankees say it’s really a New York Strip steak. Well, whatever. It’s also a porterhouse without the loin and the bone. I can maybe down 2/3 of an 8 oz. steak on a good night. It was a good night. I even had a little wine with it; some of Monsieur’s brother’s home vintage, from Gascony. It was strong. It made me brave enough to give him the envelope with the card in it.

“Qu’est-ce que c’est?”

“Um, for the occasion,” I blushed, smiling. He opened it. Then he blushed.

Guys who blush are hot. I made him promise to redeem it, as the offer expires in 14 days.