Superior Mother Jumps the Gun

I’m trying – so hard – not to get ahead of myself here. My mom doesn’t help much.

I called my mom for Mother’s Day and, after chit-chatting about gossip and news and recent local tragedies back in my hometown, I told her about my Mother’s Day card.

Mom: Stepmother? [Long pause] Gosh, that sounds like it’s really getting serious.

Yearning Heart: It was serious already, Mom.

Mom: Yes, I know, but I mean! [Another long pause] What are you going to do?

Yearning Heart: I don’t know! I think the ball is in his court, don’t you?

Mom: That ball has been in his court for a while, dear. You better sit and think and ask yourself whether or not he’s really going to want to marry you any time soon, if he does at all.

Yearning Heart: Well, you know, it hasn’t quite been a year, Mom. I don’t have any right to start demanding anything.

Mom: What do you want, dear?

[Long pause]

Mom: I remember how when you were little and your friends used to have pretend weddings when you were, oh, I guess about 9 or 10 years old – do you remember that? You’d always be the minister; you’d never want to be the bride.

Yearning Heart: Yes, [laughs] and I remember playing Barbies and whenever I would stage a wedding, Barbie would walk out on Ken before the ceremony and go off to be a successful single woman; I think a doctor or something.

Mom: Yes, she would end up going to Colorado Springs to shack up with that cowboy doll you had.

Yearning Heart: Yes! [laughs. Another pause.]

Mom: Do you remember watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?

Yearning Heart: Ya, I do. I loved that show.

Mom: Do you remember how Dr. Quinn fell for that rancher recluse way up in the mountains?

Yearning Heart: Yes, Sully, he was cute. I liked him, in my little teenage way.

Mom: And she adopted those three kids?

Yearning Heart: Yes, I remember…

Mom: And they got married, right? and she had a baby?

Yearning Heart: [quickly] Mom, I see where this is going.

Mom: Well, I was only thinking of you, sweetie.

Yearning Heart: I’m not Jane Seymour, Mom, much less Dr. Michaela.

Mom: I know, angel, it’s just kind of odd. Eerie, really, the parallels…

Yearning Heart: It’s a totally different situation.

Mom: Are you two going to have kids?

Yearning Heart: MOM!

Mom: I’ll shut up now.